3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
