whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
