Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
