it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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