I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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