I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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