I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
