Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
ugly people sure do ruin things
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
