i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
