Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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