So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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