Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
