My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
