She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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