How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
