I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
