you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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