I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
