he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
