I think I won the penis lottery.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
