My sheets look like a crime scene.
I looked at my own cervix.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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