I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
