I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
