woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
