I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
