Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
