this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Be still, my beating vagina.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
