as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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