you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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