I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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