i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
