Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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