I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
