My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
