a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
