dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
