her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
