Jerry, you need to find god
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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