His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
