I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
