My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
