2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
