Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
