KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
