New invention idea: vibrating tampons
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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