Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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