tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
