Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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