I have demons in me.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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