New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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