Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
